Sunday, February 8, 2015
What Divorce Taught Me
This is the time when I should be the most transparent, but some parts of me just does not want to let go. Does that mean it's not time for me to share? Probably not...it's just me wanting to stay in my comfort zone. Welp here goes...I was with my ex for 11 years total, 9 years married. Honestly, the decline started happening 3 months after we married. We had a great courtship and fell off track. Looking back, I can say truthfully say we failed because we failed to plan. We had no idea what the other person wanted out of life. We had no purpose for being married. We only knew we loved one another, deeply and passionately. Somehow in the shuffle, we managed to have 2 lovely daughters, file for bankruptcy,loss a car, house, his dad passed, we moved 5 times and one of our daughters had 9 surgeries and she is 6 years old. All of this during the course of our 9 year marriage. We both changed, not the for best either. In 2013, things began to get really hard and messy. I felt him pull away more...He no longer liked me...and I felt like I was constantly in a spiritual battle in my own house. I was miserable. I cried all the time. I was depressed, lonely even though married, over weight, and could not find my way out...I felt trapped like a caged animal...circling the cage. Divorce taught me I had failed myself. I allowed a bad marriage to govern my life. I no longer loved me. I was being controlled by "it". I stopped doing the very things that made me smile. I hid behind makeup, clothes, shoes and the biggest one RELIGION. I had a heart for God, but there was no move of God in my life because I was bound by problems, confusion and spiritual warfare. After he moved out...we were separated for 3 months. We both were able to catch our breath. Shortly after, we were back living under the same roof again. Somehow through the pain, God started healing my heart. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment on top of each other. There was no where to run or hide. I attempted a few times to reason with him about maintaining our marriage, but he refused. There was no intimacy, just rejection. It hurt so bad-- on some days I did not know if I was coming or going. I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry...day after day. I felt like I was being punished, but God was truly teaching me how to live even in a hostile situation. God began to heal me. He gave me revelation, confirmation and love time after time. He placed prophets in my life to walk with me and give me an encouraging word. He carried me all the way through. Now, I am working on loving myself and being the me God has created me to be.