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Atlanta, GA, United States
In this season, I will be sharing my heart.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Let Him Do It!

Late last year, the Lord started ministering to my heart. In November, He started in on my emotional baggage and said I could not carry any of it into the new year. I did not realize all that I was carrying and dealing with. It's almost like when I started wearing my natural hair. I truly did not know what to do with it. I was afraid of it. The same for my emotions. They were all over the place for different reasons and I did not want to deal with them. So, I did one of those "lay it on the altar" things. I took fear, anger, depression, anxiety, frustration, procrastination and a host of other things and laid it on the altar...I wiped my hands clean and went on. "I'm free!" I exclaimed. Not knowing my lovely Pastor would give the word for 2015...Confrontation and then Pursue or Perish, Recover and Restore.....God began confronting every area of my heart...The things that I never owned up to anyone. Like, why I had no respect for male authority and why I was codependent...I never wanted to fess up to needing to be validated by men. I never wanted to admit to the insecurities and over compensating in my relationships for approval. I never wanted to admit the fact that I was extremely stubborn, demanding and always wanted to be right. I did not want to deal with the thought that I had not forgiven myself for the babies I murdered through abortion...and now God was beginning to bring me over to the area of pain to face it and give it to Him, for real, for real. I was afraid and did not want to face the truth of who and what I had become. I had to face the reality that I was still dealing with anger on so many levels...and fear, which means love had not been perfected in my heart. Sure, God had done a work in me, but not to the point of wholeness. I made up my mind to yield to the process. I made a running list of my issues during our church's fast. I disconnected from Facebook and focused on what was going on behind the mask. I sat in my prayer closet and consulted with the Holy Spirit over each issue. I had to find the gate-- the seed of not having any respect for men. It started with my dad. I love him, but did not respect him because of the choices he made in life. This deep seeded animosity spilled over into my other relationships I was angry and had to face it. It was deep down in my soul and had to be pulled up from the root. Just imagine pulling up a 35 yr old tree by the root...it requires work. I had to forgive him truly and began to honor him in whatever way God led me....Not just him but all authority in my life, from my parents to my spiritual parents...showing honor is honorable. I faced one issue at a time and each one brought lots of tears and gut wrenching pain up and out of my heart...Since then, I have only been pursuing God because I want to be whole and hurt people, hurt people. I will write a part 2 to this....

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