Comfortable in Silence

There have been times when I go into prayer and just sit there because I don’t have anything to say and then it seems as if God is silent. This use to frustrate me; I would try to muster up emotion to create an atmosphere, but even in that I would find myself growing weary and back into silence. Then I wondered if God was mad at me? I wondered if I had missed it someplace or am I just too overwhelmed in life to hear? Today it hit me. I need to be comfortable in the silence and accept that I don’t have to say anything. I don’t need to entertain, perform or say elaborate prayers to get God's attention. I only need to trust and believe God is there because He is everywhere. He doesn’t have to say anything or drop heavy revelation each and every time I enter into His presence. I need to trust and believe that He loves me and He cares, even in His silence He has not abandoned me, nor is He ignoring me; I can simply rest in His presence. Having this thought made me think of married couples who have been together for a period of time. It seems that many of them are simply comfortable in silence. You will see them out and about you know they love one another but they are not over doing it in their interactions together…they are just together. It has taken me years of being a Christian to understand this...so glad I got it now. Amen.

Oh no she didn't!!!

I have not always been saved. The old girl will look for an opportunity to resurrect herself and get into some mess. So, I was at the movies last weekend with the girls and the theatre was practically empty. We were on the right row, but in the wrong seats. A couple comes in, male and female and the female starts cussing and going off--even dropped the "F" bomb about her seats. In my mind I am like "Lady! Just sit anywhere...the theatre is empty, not a BIG deal!" Then she starts talking about me like I am not hearing what she's saying, "I am not a good parent and what am I teaching the girls?"etc. Just going in on me...I am refuting her comments under my breath, "The devil is a liar!" But I still didn't say anything yet. So they sat down to the left of me, I was sitting next to her guy and he was trying to calm her down, but she refused to listen to him. I was as cool as a cucumber eating popcorn, looked over at her and back to the movie. I think "that" sent her over the edge. While she was still fussing and cussing ridiculously at this point and dropped the "F" bomb again I knew I was dealing with a demonic spirit, so I said "Holy Spirit, how should I handle this?" The old me was like," I wanna cuss!!! Let me handle her, slap her, shake her or SOMETHING!" LOL So I sat up and I looked over to her and said, "I apologize ma'am, we don't have a problem switching seats, but all this cussing and you talking about what kind of parent I am and what I am teaching my kids is out of line. You are being extremely disrespectful and rude. We are Christians and your language not acceptable." I pulled a Clair Huxtable on her. She sat there looking all pitiful and then got up and left the building. I just refused to get into it with anyone and ruin my "girl’s day out" with my babies. That incident could have gotten out of control. As I am typing this, the Lord reminded me "A soft answer turns away wrath" (Proverbs 15:1).

Waiting from a Dysfunctional Place

My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. I was such a daddy's girl too. Being with him was the best thing ever! I remember days when my dad would tell me he was coming to pick me up; I would pack my clothes in a brown paper bag and sit it near the door. I ran to the window every time I heard a car drive into our apartment building--only to find out it was not my dad. I would wait for days with a broken heart and tears hoping he would show up. Sometimes he would--other times he would not. Looking back, I realize now that I learned to wait on people to be present in my life from an early age. Even in relationships that were obviously bad for me, I would settle..I would wait for them to do better and be better when they never had any intentions on changing. This dysfunctional habit of staying even in pain carried over spans of years because I never learned how to walk away. Even after the person had walked away from me...I would still hold on to the idea of what could have been or what I desired to have with them, when I should learned to say, "This no longer serves my life-- I am over it! Good-bye!" Today I gave The Lord my dysfunctional need to continue to believe in someone who doesn't believe in me... To truly let go of the thing or person who let go of me, but insists on staying in my life to bring harm and frustration....I realize no relationship or situation is perfect and there may be times when God wants us to stand still and wait on Him. However, we need to understand the difference and not stay in toxic situations that only bring pain and confusion. My prayer is "Abba, in the name of Jesus, help me to never get tired of waiting on You. Point out when I am waiting in error. Give me the wisdom and discernment to know when I should remain loyal and when I need to shut the door and walk away from dead friendships, dead relationships, dead ministries, and dead jobs that no longer serve Your will for my life. In Jesus name, the Christ! Amen.

Save Me from Myself

Sometimes it's not other people or the devil causing me to slip up and do the things I would rather not do or feel the way I feel, but it is simply the fact that I still have areas of my heart that have not been healed. Just today I asked God a question: I wondered why certain people I valued were no longer in my life? The answer I received was because of my codependency. We all have strengths and weaknesses, but I am extremely attracted to others who have strengths that I do not have. I feed on them like a leech sucking blood. Please do not get me wrong, it is fair to learn from those who know and have more than us, but I seem to lean on them in a codependent way in order to supplement my weaknesses, which eventually pushes them away and the friendship ends. God is bringing this to my attention because whenever I do that, I have made that person an idol. God is a jealous God and it is very easy to begin to worship people instead of The Lord. "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.... (2 Corinthians 12:9) God's strength is what we need to make up for our weaknesses, not another person I could potentially drain and end up sabotaging the relationship. In this, The Lord requires for me and anyone who struggles in this area to stand on our own two feet, allowing Him to be our EVERYTHING! What does that mean? It means our God is all knowing, all powerful, and is everywhere at once. It means all we need is in Him. It means we are satisfied, filled with joy and at peace with Him and ourselves no matter what comes or goes because we understand His love for us and we trust Him at His word. Honestly, this requires lots of patience, practice and faith! That in itself can be challenging because we cannot physically see God or feel Him (with the exception of nature)...which takes us back to our faith. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"....(Hebrews 11:1) so we MUST believe He is and what He says He is according to the word of God. Once we make up our minds to truly TRUST God with our weaknesses, we will no longer depend on people to make our lives okay. We will believe we have all that we need because we are in God and God is in us. And the people who come into our lives will be a blessing to us and we will be a blessing to them because there is no codependency, pressure or obligation. Everyone is free to be themselves, which in my opinion is how God would have it.

The Avalanche

It's funny how one bad feeling can trigger an avalanche of emotions. Have you ever been there? It happened to me today. I had a thought that created anger in me. One of my clients I thought I had built a rapport with asked me to do a project and they have yet to pay me even though the project has been completed. I trusted someone who obviously lacked integrity. I questioned my decision-making processes. Why did I trust someone instead of making sure I was covered? I know that "the enemy comes to steal, kill and to destroy". My time was stolen, but in my heart I believe God protects us. I should have used wisdom and requested 50% payment upfront and the balance at completion prior to sending the project to my Client. Another person I considered a friend has shifted their actions towards me without notice or explanation. So here I am having to face my emotions when I really want to be left alone. I don't want to deal with anything EXTRA today. I just want to enjoy this nice Georgia weather and let my life flow like a river! How will I handle it? Well, I sent the invoice requiring payment, we talked since then, promises were made but no follow through. My flesh wanted to pick up the phone again and make demands, but The Lord reminds us that He fights our battles. Those who fight against me, God will fight against them. The "friend" I hoped for has not been accessible which is disappointing because I really value this friendship. When you want something you want it! Even when it's unrealistic, we want what we want. I have to learn to truly trust God when things do not go my way. There are some things that I am like "Okay Lord, You got this!" Then there are other things that I would like to handle myself because somehow in my mind I believe I have the answers. As I am typing this, what is coming to mind is "at the root of anger is fear". What was I afraid of? With my Client I felt as if I was being taken advantage of. With my "friend" I questioned why I am not good enough to pursue a friendship with? It's been difficult to except God wants me to Himself this season. Some days I am like, "Let's roll Jesus!" Other days, I am trying to drag someone along with me. After it's all said and done, I realize it's a spiritual attack. "We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers..." I know it was an attack. I felt afraid and in the fear, I became angry because I felt a sense of hopelessness. Hopelessness is not of God. When I feel hopeless it's because something is not going my way and it appears that I have no control over it. I felt myself moving into "demand mode". Making statements like "I need this to happen or else this will happen!" Who am I to question or doubt God? It snowballed...by the next moment I realized an avalanche had taken place. I had rounded up all of my guests for the "pity party" and I could literally see the devil watching me snarling and laughing. I knew I had to recover and it had to be quickly. So, I began to count my blessings and be grateful. An ungrateful heart will always have doubts and fear. The Bible says, "If God be for us, who can be against us?" I have trust God in this season...even in the midst of the avalanche.

What I Desire

There is a passage in the Bible that says "Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". Spending time with God is not a chore for me. It is a delight to enter into His presence because He is so loving, so kind and so faithful. If I were honest, I have not always been in this position or felt this way. There were days where I knew I needed to pray but dreaded it for one reason or another. Now I realize, as a soldier of the Most High, I need to spend time with God whenever He calls me...even if it's 2 am. I believe that as we spend quality time with God, His desires will become our desires. Our agendas will line up with His will. I started writing today's blog because I wanted to formalize my list of what I desire in a mate. But as I am typing this, I feel the Holy Spirit nudging me to truly think about what I desire for my life. It's not always about another person, but it is about being and becoming the right person. For my life, I desire to be a woman of God who loves the Lord and represents Him well privately and publicly. I desire to be a woman of excellence, grace, honesty and truth....A Proverbs 31 kind of woman. I desire to become a successful entrepreneur with partners who are willing to work with me and go the full mile in covenant relationship. I desire the anointing of God to flow from my life and pour on to others lives in such a way that creates miracles, healing and deliverance. I desire to sing praises to God, write books, create art of various kinds that will inspire others to be the best they can be. I desire to be fit inside and out and in every area of my life (mentally, physically, financially, emotionally). I desire to love God with everything I have and with all that I do. I desire to be the BEST mom EVER!!! to my little Princesses. I desire to live a fulfilling life where I take risks and speak up when it's time. I desire a close circle of friends I trust, love and care for. I desire to be RICH, spiritually and financially. Now that I have written my list, I feel more suited to write about a mate...That will be What I Desire Pt. 2.

My Spring Cleaning is Done!

My spring cleaning is done. I'm not just talking about my closets and my drawers, but I'm talking about the mental compartments of my mind and the matters of my heart. I have gone through everything and assessed what's there. I know what I need to keep. I know what I need to donate to the Goodwill that someone else can use. I know what goes in the trash. In the midst of separating everything it looks a mess still. I have piles everywhere! But I realize in this mess I am making progress. I see now that I have more than I thought, even in the organization process, I know the value and appreciate what I have. I will use it all to the best of my ability, making sure nothing goes to waste.