Monday, July 13, 2015
My idea of freestylin' is just like it sounds. You know how rappers get a beat and they rhyme over it..well, I do not have a beat per se, but I do have a flow. Today, I want to flow with what is coming from me. One of the first things on my heart is about self righteousness. For a long time in my Christian walk, I did not have patience with weak people. I was the one who would say, "Suck it up!" or "Get over it!" AND "It's not that serious!" I was not compassionate or understanding at all. Now a little older and a little wiser and having gone through several ups and downs I know better now that my weaknesses exist in more ways than one. I have this weird ability to justify what I want and what I want to do. I have the ability to manipulate myself and others; a trait in me that I just came to terms with. Instead of living by the book 100% of the time, I opt out occasionally and make excuses to live in the flesh. I make excuses to go off and lose my cool and say, "Well, at least I did not cuss!" Yea that may be true, but I was rude and there is no love in being rude to anyone. This perception of reality eludes me sometimes...I go into this world of fantasy and stay there. It's almost like a cave...dark, with a little sunlight from the outside shining through the opening that is man made. There I am sitting in the dark. It's a choice though. A conscious one because light is available and I simply need to walk into it...That is one thought. The next thought is my view of self preservation. I have been hurt more times than one an shake a stick at...and when I feel that someone could potentially do damage, my hard shell comes over me. I close up. Have you ever watched a rolly polly bug roll into a ball to avoid injury? That dear friends would be me....I know how to protect myself from injury, but sometimes I do it when there is not threat of harm. I roll up and cover myself and there is nothing around to do damage. It may appear to be threatening because my thoughts and feelings evolve from a place of pain and I automatically go in self preservation mode.