Personal Development

I know it feels intense right now. God is developing you and it feels like you are under severe pressure. But personal development is a constant and conscious experience. It hurts at times and can be challenging because it covers many areas of your life: TALENTS, POTENTIAL, IDENTITY, GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT. Every area contributes to producing a better life and overall realization and success of your dreams. Let God walk you through the process....it will be worth it in the end.

Blurred Vision

There are days I am walking out the door to an appointment and will throw on a pair of sunglasses, only to realize I forgot something back in my room. Instead of taking off my sunglasses, I run and grab what I have forgotten. On my way, I may stumble or bump into things because I cannot see clearly. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said "That is what habitual sin does to a child of God's spiritual lens". It clouds and darkens your discernment, judgment, and focus. We begin to miss little things...warnings, and the leading of the Holy Spirit. Sin awakens the flesh and all of a sudden you find yourself letting down your guard, arguing and making compromises because the vision has been darkened by a sinful life.

Love Lessons

Growing up, my mom always told me, "Baby, if a man is interested in you, you will never have to wonder about his feelings because he will let you know!" From that point on, I realized what she said was right. Of course you will occasionally run into the "shy guy" but for the most part someone interested in you will make himself present in more ways than one. So, I said all of that to say, if he is in your face saying, "I love you!" Believe him...On the other hand if you are questioning his feelings for you after some time of hanging out, you two may be on different pages and should communicate if the relationship is what you both want.

Freestylin

Freestylin is becoming a habit for me...I am leaning towards Freestylin Fridays...I guess it's a good thing because I never know what the Holy Spirit will speak through me. If I could digress about this week and summer it would be a relief so, I hope you don't mind. :). This summer has been filled with many firsts. Since my divorce late last year, this is the first summer the girls spent an entire month away with their dad. It is also the first time I had to spend their birthdays separate because of our divorce decree and visitation. Along with getting them back into school; including the shopping for school supplies, uniforms, school clothes, Dr's appointments, etc. In the past I have had help, this year it's me and Jesus. I have to be honest...this has been one of the most difficult weeks for me. My body started responding and to top it off, I feel like I don't have any support living here in Georgia. If I needed someone, I only know to call on Jesus because I have no one I can really depend on. There is no support system. In my heart, running back to California is always the answer, but in reality it is not the answer because God led me here for a purpose. There are many projects looming and now I need the strength of God to help me because I cannot do this on my own. I don't want to get into complaining, but this has been my week and summer in a nutshell...However, I am grateful to be alive. As I am typing now, the Holy Spirit is asking me for a solution. It is not enough to type all this and leave it because there is resolve. My action steps: 1). Keep God first. As I seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, He will add all that I need. 2). Pray for wisdom. It's unfair to think I can do all I need to do without asking for wisdom from God. He knows all things. 3). Pray for strength. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...which means where I am and what I am doing with Christ I can complete it successfully. 4). It's important to seek God's guidance. It's so easy to launch out and begin to do things that have nothing to do with God's will and purpose for my life. Asking for daily guidance is key to remaining in His perfect will. God close doors that no man can open. God open doors no man can shut. 5). Lastly, accountability. Seeking God for people in my life who I can trust and depend on in time of need.

This ministered to my heart...

I truly feel the need to be transparent today. Several weeks ago I went into prayer. I had so many things on my heart that I wanted God to sort out for me. I sat there in silence and then I began to pray. As I prayed, I could feel that my prayers were divided because I had made some poor choices. Even though I had asked for forgiveness, I was still carrying around the guilt and the shame. As I sat there with my head bowed, God clearly spoke to me...He said "I have forgiven you...If I did not love you and honor your prayer that would make Me a conditional God when I love you unconditionally. However, your choices will carry consequences, but it is a direct response to your actions and not because I am punishing you." The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ our Lord (Romans 6:23). This is the reality of wrong choices...it's a law of the universe. That is why it is a good idea to choose life every time. We need to make the right decisions that will lead towards God's best. God is love. He does not inflict harm or pain on us when we make mistakes; it is not His nature. He is a loving, graceful Father and His love endures forever. He is perfect, kind and long-suffering...This time alone with The Lord ministered to my heart and confirmed His unconditional love for me. So, if you ever mess up...know God does not stop loving you nor does He punish you for our sins because Jesus paid the price for our past, present, and future sins. As a loving Father, He will discipline His children because He wants us to share in His holiness. Also, discipline can be painful, but in the end it's the lesson we need to grab hold of which leads to a harvest of good living.

Silence is Golden

After going through a divorce, I have heard people ask if I am sure I am ready for a relationship? It's almost insulting because it insinuates that I have not thought about the possibilities or process of being involved with someone new. In this season, I have learned it's best not to talk about your vision, desires or plans because some people will ALWAYS underestimate your ability to carry it out.

Free Stylin'

My idea of freestylin' is just like it sounds. You know how rappers get a beat and they rhyme over it..well, I do not have a beat per se, but I do have a flow. Today, I want to flow with what is coming from me. One of the first things on my heart is about self righteousness. For a long time in my Christian walk, I did not have patience with weak people. I was the one who would say, "Suck it up!" or "Get over it!" AND "It's not that serious!" I was not compassionate or understanding at all. Now a little older and a little wiser and having gone through several ups and downs I know better now that my weaknesses exist in more ways than one. I have this weird ability to justify what I want and what I want to do. I have the ability to manipulate myself and others; a trait in me that I just came to terms with. Instead of living by the book 100% of the time, I opt out occasionally and make excuses to live in the flesh. I make excuses to go off and lose my cool and say, "Well, at least I did not cuss!" Yea that may be true, but I was rude and there is no love in being rude to anyone. This perception of reality eludes me sometimes...I go into this world of fantasy and stay there. It's almost like a cave...dark, with a little sunlight from the outside shining through the opening that is man made. There I am sitting in the dark. It's a choice though. A conscious one because light is available and I simply need to walk into it...That is one thought. The next thought is my view of self preservation. I have been hurt more times than one an shake a stick at...and when I feel that someone could potentially do damage, my hard shell comes over me. I close up. Have you ever watched a rolly polly bug roll into a ball to avoid injury? That dear friends would be me....I know how to protect myself from injury, but sometimes I do it when there is not threat of harm. I roll up and cover myself and there is nothing around to do damage. It may appear to be threatening because my thoughts and feelings evolve from a place of pain and I automatically go in self preservation mode.

Time for Take Off!

Airplanes never take off until everything on the ground is clear. They always know where they are going and have mapped the location to ensure that they will arrive at their designation and on time. If pilots forecast inclement weather...delays and cancellations are communicated to the passengers which may cause travelers to feel uneasy and frustrated. Sometimes we may need to reevaluate things. Double check and confirm we are in step with God. There is no harm in seeking God again for His heart and confirmation because being outside of His will is dangerous! God, in Jesus name, help us to know exactly where we are going and what we are doing before we jump out there and find ourselves in a situation that is not Your will. Your word says, "Your sheep listen to You because You know them and they know Your voice!" We stand on that word today and forever! We know Your voice and will not follow the voice of a stranger. In Jesus name! Amen.

God Focus

I rarely write about what is happening in the world because the world does not care about the things of God. Their focus has been on the temporary things that we can see. With all of the media press on current events and the laws that have been passed-- Christians are expressing their anger and frustration about these issues. Unfortunately, now is not the time to express anything but praise and worship for God. These issues are a distraction from purpose and we cannot afford for one minute to take our eyes off of Jesus Christ.

When Love Finds You

I think a lot. Sometimes I wonder if it is too much. But I reflect on many aspects of life because God has been so good. I was sitting here remembering when God found me. I was lost, afraid, unsure and reckless. His love has a way of making all things steady. He knows how to calm the storm. He knows how to dry my tears...He is just perfect like that. When love finds you, there will be no way to resist because it is powerful!

Trusting God with the Pain

This past week some things happened that hurt. I found myself thinking it over, again and again...feeling the pain, instead of taking it to God in prayer. Then it hit me, I do not trust God with my pain because if I did, I would have handed it over to Him instantly. Instead I want to hold on to it...nurse it and lick my wounds.

Real Talk #1

I decided to wear heels and walking back to the car was beginning to seem like a chore. As soon as my pinky toe began to scream for help, a guy pulls up in a golf cart asking if we were parked across the street in the other parking lot. Let me tell you there were thousands of people walking near us and for him to spot us in the crowd and ask where we were parked was God--especially when my baby toe was screaming. LOL Not only that, but this guy was so fine! He was tall, dark and handsome...I am praying in my spirit, "God help me NOT to lust!" It's so bad because he was nice, handsome and serving at church. Goodness! I am in love with Jesus and I could not help but notice how handsome and single he was. So, as we are hopping off I am like, "Ok nice, thank you for the ride!"....NEXT I take the girls to lunch and the server walks up....dark skin, bald head, fine AND smelling good! Then I started talking to myself..."Lord just let me keep eyes on this menu and the girls..." I don't want to look in his eyes at all. And then we started ordering our food...Now when the food started coming to the table--I began to shift the dishes around and so that he could place the other plates down. He stopped me and said, "I do not want you to lift a finger!" I was like, "Wooooo hooo!" in my head....sounds so good to me! It seems that my type may be tall, dark, handsome, and saved. :)

Unforgiveness

Today on the way to having lunch with my sweet friend BJ...I ended up behind a tractor trailer on the interstate. As I sat there looking at the back of the truck I noticed rust forming underneath the trailer doors. The rust had began to eat away at the truck to the point of holes in the metal...As I stared at it I thought this is what un-forgiveness, bitterness, and resentment does to our spirits. Rust is an example of corrosion. Corrosion means to weaken or damage. Un-forgiveness, bitterness, and resentment acts as poison to the body. We help ourselves when we release people who have hurt us. It is dangerous to have hateful thoughts running through our minds about someone. When we seek revenge it hurts us and removes the Hand of God because we have taken matters in to our own hands. Our Savior knows how to fight for us when we maintain our peace. We have to be able to forgive the person who has not apologized as well. Letting go of ill feelings without an apology shows a level of maturity.

Name Dropping

I worked in the entertainment industry for almost 10 years and was surrounded by famous people on a daily basis, but it was not a big deal--it was a part of the territory. When I moved to Atlanta I noticed many people considered themselves important by association; meaning because they had a relationship with a certain famous individual that made them important. Honestly, it was the most annoying thing EVER! I grew weary of hearing stories about their relationships and picture posting...no shade, but I was like, "I really don't care who you work for or with, just be you!" I will not like you more or less because of who you are connected to....I want to get to know you as a person. If they no longer had that role or relationship, does that mean they are a nobody in their minds? Probably so because they spend so much time making sure everyone knows about their position. Accepting Christ as Lord and Savior may make us a target to the enemy, but it makes us blessed in Heavenly places. We are a royal priesthood and a chosen generation. It doesn't matter what I do for a living that makes me important...having God in my heart makes me important. Not in a haughty way, but in a grateful way. Who we work for or who we know is passing away...a relationship with God is eternal which is the most important thing to have in this life.

We Cannot Ignore

I was sitting at the table struggling with a tangled headset. Initially I thought to just not even bother untangling it, but the determined side of me said, "Let's get it!" So I started in on the process...knocking out the large tangles with precision and ease...But when it came to the small tight tangles, I had to focus and use more effort. In all actuality I considered using the headset with the small knots because it still worked and they were small, no big deal. But then it hit me. Sometimes we will allow those little things in our character that oppose Scripture to remain without addressing them. The little things are not like adultery and fornication, but it is an issue or a flaw that God can clearly help you with like lying, anger and gossiping. Even though you are maturing in God and have yielded to the Holy Spirit with the BIG things, it is the little things that can delay the manifestations of God's promises in your life. Song of Solomon 2:15 says, "The little foxes destroy the vine." We cannot ignore the warnings in Scripture because after while, those little things will nip away at our garden and all of the work that has been done will be ravaged.

God's Promises

I use to be one of those people where if I was going through a difficult time, I would stop believing in what God said He would do for me. I would carry the burden instead of walking by faith. The Holy Spirit has been ministering to my heart about what it means to be laser focused on God's Promises. If you peek through a key hole on a door you can only see what is in the room on the other side of the door; nothing more nothing less. This is how I am suppose to be focused in on God's promises. I have to keep my eyes and heart fixed. I cannot afford for one minute to get into doubt and unbelief. I do not want to be like Moses who saw the Promised Land but because of his disobedience, he did not enter in.

Why Pornography is Bad

A sister in Christ shared with me how she had been experiencing demonic attacks in her sleep. She was being held down and sexually attacked by demonic spirits. Come to find out her husband was struggling with a porn addiction and masturbation. Both of them are intercessors and because they are one flesh in the spirit she was being attacked by the demons her husband opened the door to. Many people reading this might say, "Porn is not a bad thing." But in actuality it is hatched in hell. God created sex, but He did not intend for strangers to come together, create sexually explicit videos and images so that we can watch it for our enjoyment. What is on the rise is it's not just men who struggle with porn women struggle with it as well. Sometimes being single we justify masturbation and pornography by saying, "At least I am not sleeping around." Ok, but that is also a lie from the pit. Another person might believe they are not capable of getting anyone because they are not attractive, what else can they do, but watch porn and masturbate?...Truth be told, another lie from the pit. We are free in Christ, but we cannot use this liberty to commit sin while we are under grace. Sexual sin has to be the biggest and toughest stronghold in the Body of Christ. There was a Christian conference in Texas and many of the attendees stayed at this particular hotel. The hotel reported the highest viewing of pornography that weekend! So sad, but true. Let's look at Scripture: If a man or woman looks on another person as if to lusts in his/her heart, adultery has already been committed (Matthew 5: 27-28). Every sin a man or woman commits outside of the body is a sin against his/her own body (1 Cor 6:18). The Lord wants us to be sexually pure. We have to guard our minds against images that cause us to lust and entice feelings in the heart and mind. Seeing someone naked is reserved for couples who are married. We cannot continue to justify sin. The Bible says, "Submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee (James 4:7). Pornography is not of God. Finally, another popular question in defense of immorality, "What if a couple watches it together?" My question is, "Why do you need to? Why invite those demonic spirits into you home?" God has provided everything we need to enjoy our spouses. There are ways to be creative in the bedroom without violating godly principles.

Unforgiveness

Over 10 years ago, I was in a relationship that I thought would lead to marriage. I was almost certain of it. I loved him, he loved me and we had everything in common-- but the relationship ended suddenly. It was like one day we were together and the next day it was over! No warning or signs pointing to its ending. Shortly after I had a dream. It was a beautiful day. He and I were riding in a cream colored two seat convertible on a long stretch of road. All of a sudden he mashed on the breaks and the car came to a complete stop. We both got out of the vehicle, walked around and stood at the front of the car. As we stood there the road ahead of us had fallen out down into the utter darkness. I looked down and could not see anything. Talk about fear! I was glad he stopped the vehicle otherwise we would have both fallen into the deep dark abyss! To add to the story I went to church and Bishop Noel Jones said, "If God had not ended the relationship, you would have fallen into a deep dark pit!" I was blown away...literally. So after the breakup-- three months later he marries someone he just met. He met her in December and they married in February when I had spent almost a year with him...my heart, my pride, everything...crushed. The love in my heart immediately turned to anger, rage and hatred. I went to God in prayer and He began to minister to my heart in a way I did not want. Everything I wanted God to say, He is not saying-- which means it's time to "grow up". The Holy Spirit instructed me to pray for my brother in Christ. He asked me to cover his new wife, children, and ministry. I refused...I told God no. I did not want to pray for him after what he did to me! But after I got over the emotion...I began to pray. Honestly, I cried as I prayed because my flesh did not want to...through the tears, I spoke blessings over his new family and all that concerned him. The Lord admonished me to pray for him EVERY TIME I had an angry thought regarding the situation. As soon as it came up in my heart, pray. I was obedient. After months and months of being true to the instruction, I looked up one day and it no longer bothered me. I was no longer angry. At the end of the day, God ended the relationship. It was His will for us to go our separate ways and I had to accept it with joy. Finally, after all of these years The Holy Spirit just let me know that it was not true love because if it was I would want him to be happy whether he was with me or not. True love is unconditional.

Sweet Fruit

I don't know if it's just me, but I have not been able to find any sweet fruit in this season. I have gone to Kroger, Publix, and Aldi and have found maybe one batch of sweet strawberries. Every store is selling the same fruit, but none of it is satisfying. Galatians 5:22-26 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Some people want to see you fail

At the end of the day, there are some people out there who want to see you fail. They do not like you and are sitting back waiting on your demise. Jesus said, "If they hated me, they will hate you" (John 15:18). So we cannot be surprised when we feel the persecution from people in the world including family and sometimes in the church. We cannot be surprised when the attacks come because we are dealing with spiritual warfare. The key is to not get into strife and anger with anyone. This will hinder your progress. So, the best way to overcome is by meditating on the word of God, walking in love, praise...prayer and worship.

Freestyling

Normally when I write a post, I kind of have an idea of what I will talk about. Tonight, I have no clue. I did just have a thought of the "perfect life" and then the next thought was "it does not exist". The media has given us this mindset of what is perfect. Married, with two children, live in a nice house and own a dog. Both parents have successful careers and smart kids! Welp, I have not lived that kind of life, nor do I know anyone personally who is living this kind of life. I think the ultimate life lesson and goal is to take lemons and ALWAYS make lemonade because life never ends like our favorite television show. Some men and women may never marry or have children. Some people will face illness. Some people may never own a home or have a successful career. But we have to make the best of what we have and be grateful for our blessings. You would be surprised, even though you may not have everything you want, there is someone watching you and wanting what you have. The older I get, the more I appreciate the lot I have been given by not comparing my life to others. I think it's natural to do so, but it can leave you bitter. Expectations that are not met can feel like failure. But that is where trust comes in. This is where we say, "Ok God... this did not turn out the way I thought, but because I am in You and You are in me, I know things are working out for my best. Just freestyling tonight! It's Friday :).

It's Not Time, Yet

I am a romantic at heart. I love, love. It's a wonderful thing. Some people are going to read this post and think, this girl is "out there"! Honestly, I always have been "out there" since I was a little girl, so I make no apologies for what I am getting ready to say. I met a man on December 23, 2014, exactly seventeen days after my divorce was final. We first talked on Christmas Day. One of the first questions he asked me was, "What are you giving Jesus for His birthday?" That was a question I would ask someone. I laughed on the inside. After we somewhat built a friendship, he suggested we pray after each conversation and I agreed because I love prayer. Another component I appreciate about this friendship is, He always covers my daughters in prayer, our household and all that pertains to us. He never fails to ask how they're doing...and he listens to my concerns about them. Every time we pray, The Holy Spirit shows up and shows out! Such a sweet presence. We sing together...laugh together...but he lives in Dallas, Texas LOL. God has a great sense of humor. He is a bit older, fourteen years, but I like the fact that he is stable. He knows who he is and is not changing it for anyone much, BUT God. After spending so much time together on the phone, sharing our lives...and mostly talking about God I started to develop feelings. As great as all of this sounds, we both agree and I have commissioned this year to pursuing God and His purposes for my life. So, it's not time yet. In addition, I need to become whole in every area of my life before I can imagine myself in a relationship with anyone. I need to make sure I am solid in my faith and that I love myself to not compromise who I am in Christ. Hurt people, hurt people and I do not want to be hurt, nor do I want to hurt anyone.

When it Still Hurts

I cut my my pinky finger trying to open nail polish. Even though it is a small cut, it hurts sooooooooo bad because of where it's located. Anytime I reach for anything and grab hold of it, I feel pain. This pain reminds me that my finger is not healed yet. As I am typing this, The Holy Spirit is reminding me about my heart because there are areas that still require healing. As a human being it is natural to desire a relationship, but if there are preexisting areas in my emotions and heart that are hurting it's best to allow God to finish the work. The warning is if I reach to soon, I will end up hurting the other person or hurting myself. Just like this cut on my finger, I have to take it easy and protect it in order to make sure it heals well. And if I do not protect my finger, this pain will last longer than it needs to. If I do not protect my heart, I will be hurting longer than I anticipated. THE BOTTOM LINE IS: We cannot rush healing. We cannot pretend the pain does not exist. We have to acknowledge our pain and give it to God so that He can tend to it and heal us completely. Definition of heal: Become sound or healthy again.

Cheering Section

When God begins to remove people from your life you thought you needed in order to be happy and successful--it hurts to the core because these are some of the very people who have been with you for years. They have always been supportive, encouraging, and loyal through every trial. Now all of a sudden they are not around. But we have to remember, The Lord is very strategic with His plans. He knows how to position individuals in our lives. Over time, I am learning The Lord makes the shift in our inner circle for the protection of the vision and/or ministry. People can have all sorts of opinions about what you should do and how you should do it and if these same people have influence in your life, He may remove them for a season. Another reason is so that He will receive all the glory and the honor for the blessings, favor, and miracles happening in your life. So don't fret, become depressed or feel alone when God begins the shift. After the smoke clears, you will notice how He will begin to send and schedule DIVINE appointments regarding your vision. Rejoice when people walk away. God is in control and has a "perfect plan". Trust Him. We must move forward without the praise and encouragement of others. Never feel stuck. King David encouraged himself in The Lord and we must do the same. During this season we may not have many people around us but we have a great cloud of witnesses cheering us on in heaven. We have a team of angels surrounding us. You are blessed because of who God says you are and not because of who is with you and what people say about you. Cheering sections can have power over you....But God is intervening now by saying, "I made you and I am giving you the power you need to succeed!" The Lord wants us to fully understand He is with us and we should press forward in victory without the praise and encouragement of others because all praise, glory and honor belongs to God and God alone.

Placing demands during times of uncertainty

Some years ago when I did not understand what was happening in my life, I started placing demands on God. I was bored. I went from work, to church, and back to work again. I did not have a social life. When I was in the world I partied sometimes 3-4 times per week. I enjoyed people and having a great time. Now that I was in church, I wondered why my life had turned boring. I prayed to God because I felt like I would return to the club and hang out with old friends if I did not connect with a group of brothers and sisters in church. Now older in The Lord during times of uncertainty I have learned to pray and trust God with placing demands. It's not easy because I want to work things out on my own, but trusting God during times of uncertainty shows a level of maturity. It says, "God I trust that you are working things out for my good, even though I do not understand what is happening in my life". I believe when we truly grasp the concept of God's love, we will not worry or feel uncertain about anything.

The Best Husband EVER!!!

No matter what I do He loves me unconditionally. He is always there no matter the hour.... He will never cheat on me...100% faithful. He is always on time. He knows my needs even before I ask. He provides for me every moment of the day. He heals me and comforts me when I am sad. He will never walk out on me because He loved me before I loved Him. He was willing to give His life so that I could live forever. He will always speak life, build me up, reassure me of His promises and correct me in love. He always prays and intercedes on my behalf...He shields me from all hurt, harm and danger. He fills me up with good things. He shows me the pleasures in His hands...He is awesome because He is God! ‪#‎Immamuel‬ ‪#‎GodwithUs‬ ‪#‎JesustheChrist‬

Queen of Sabotage

Emotional baggage that has not been given over to God will sabotage every single opportunity and relationship that comes into your life. Soon after you will look up and realize nothing is working out for you and it's not other people, it's you, the Queen of Sabotage. Father in the name of Jesus the Christ, I thank you Lord for healing the wounds in my heart from the past. Holy Spirit, teach me how to not have unrealistic expectations from others. Show me how to set healthy boundaries from the beginning of friendships and relationships so that our interactions are fruitful and functional. God, I desire intimacy, but let it be at the right time and with the appropriate people. Let me not get ahead of myself because of loneliness or desperation. Help me to see every day as a gift and not rush to get to the end of a thing instead of simply enjoying the journey. In my relationships God, I thank you that I ALWAYS understand my value, my gifts, my talents and my abilities. I thank you for the boldness and courage to share my gifts and not hide them under a bushel. Jesus, I am praying that I will never fall into people pleasing to avoid conflict, but that I will walk in the Spirit and confront the issues in myself and in others when it's appropriate. Help me not to over analyze things, people or opportunities, but to trust that I am being led by your Spirit in all that I say and do. In Jesus name! Amen.

Fragrance

Today I went to the gym to work out. I walked upstairs to the elliptical machines, but as I approached I could smell a sweet fragrance. I stepped up to the machine and pressed a few buttons, but continued to smell the sweet fragrance. I realized it was the lady who was working out to my left. She was really getting it in. I was impressed with her intensity. The odd part was, the harder she worked out, the sweeter the scent. I thought wow...that's different! Most people get a little funky during a workout LOL. And then I started to think about our spiritual walks and the fragrance we may leave behind. When people approach us, do they feel love and experience a sweet scent or do they leave feeling a negative spirit? When life goes into overdrive and the trials come are we still sweet or do we get bitter? For me the goal is to endure the hard times without losing heart and without falling out of love with God and myself. Life will deal us difficult times, but we have to maintain our sweet fragrance by trusting God to be with us through it all.

Comfortable in Silence

There have been times when I go into prayer and just sit there because I don’t have anything to say and then it seems as if God is silent. This use to frustrate me; I would try to muster up emotion to create an atmosphere, but even in that I would find myself growing weary and back into silence. Then I wondered if God was mad at me? I wondered if I had missed it someplace or am I just too overwhelmed in life to hear? Today it hit me. I need to be comfortable in the silence and accept that I don’t have to say anything. I don’t need to entertain, perform or say elaborate prayers to get God's attention. I only need to trust and believe God is there because He is everywhere. He doesn’t have to say anything or drop heavy revelation each and every time I enter into His presence. I need to trust and believe that He loves me and He cares, even in His silence He has not abandoned me, nor is He ignoring me; I can simply rest in His presence. Having this thought made me think of married couples who have been together for a period of time. It seems that many of them are simply comfortable in silence. You will see them out and about you know they love one another but they are not over doing it in their interactions together…they are just together. It has taken me years of being a Christian to understand this...so glad I got it now. Amen.

Oh no she didn't!!!

I have not always been saved. The old girl will look for an opportunity to resurrect herself and get into some mess. So, I was at the movies last weekend with the girls and the theatre was practically empty. We were on the right row, but in the wrong seats. A couple comes in, male and female and the female starts cussing and going off--even dropped the "F" bomb about her seats. In my mind I am like "Lady! Just sit anywhere...the theatre is empty, not a BIG deal!" Then she starts talking about me like I am not hearing what she's saying, "I am not a good parent and what am I teaching the girls?"etc. Just going in on me...I am refuting her comments under my breath, "The devil is a liar!" But I still didn't say anything yet. So they sat down to the left of me, I was sitting next to her guy and he was trying to calm her down, but she refused to listen to him. I was as cool as a cucumber eating popcorn, looked over at her and back to the movie. I think "that" sent her over the edge. While she was still fussing and cussing ridiculously at this point and dropped the "F" bomb again I knew I was dealing with a demonic spirit, so I said "Holy Spirit, how should I handle this?" The old me was like," I wanna cuss!!! Let me handle her, slap her, shake her or SOMETHING!" LOL So I sat up and I looked over to her and said, "I apologize ma'am, we don't have a problem switching seats, but all this cussing and you talking about what kind of parent I am and what I am teaching my kids is out of line. You are being extremely disrespectful and rude. We are Christians and your language not acceptable." I pulled a Clair Huxtable on her. She sat there looking all pitiful and then got up and left the building. I just refused to get into it with anyone and ruin my "girl’s day out" with my babies. That incident could have gotten out of control. As I am typing this, the Lord reminded me "A soft answer turns away wrath" (Proverbs 15:1).

Waiting from a Dysfunctional Place

My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. I was such a daddy's girl too. Being with him was the best thing ever! I remember days when my dad would tell me he was coming to pick me up; I would pack my clothes in a brown paper bag and sit it near the door. I ran to the window every time I heard a car drive into our apartment building--only to find out it was not my dad. I would wait for days with a broken heart and tears hoping he would show up. Sometimes he would--other times he would not. Looking back, I realize now that I learned to wait on people to be present in my life from an early age. Even in relationships that were obviously bad for me, I would settle..I would wait for them to do better and be better when they never had any intentions on changing. This dysfunctional habit of staying even in pain carried over spans of years because I never learned how to walk away. Even after the person had walked away from me...I would still hold on to the idea of what could have been or what I desired to have with them, when I should learned to say, "This no longer serves my life-- I am over it! Good-bye!" Today I gave The Lord my dysfunctional need to continue to believe in someone who doesn't believe in me... To truly let go of the thing or person who let go of me, but insists on staying in my life to bring harm and frustration....I realize no relationship or situation is perfect and there may be times when God wants us to stand still and wait on Him. However, we need to understand the difference and not stay in toxic situations that only bring pain and confusion. My prayer is "Abba, in the name of Jesus, help me to never get tired of waiting on You. Point out when I am waiting in error. Give me the wisdom and discernment to know when I should remain loyal and when I need to shut the door and walk away from dead friendships, dead relationships, dead ministries, and dead jobs that no longer serve Your will for my life. In Jesus name, the Christ! Amen.

Save Me from Myself

Sometimes it's not other people or the devil causing me to slip up and do the things I would rather not do or feel the way I feel, but it is simply the fact that I still have areas of my heart that have not been healed. Just today I asked God a question: I wondered why certain people I valued were no longer in my life? The answer I received was because of my codependency. We all have strengths and weaknesses, but I am extremely attracted to others who have strengths that I do not have. I feed on them like a leech sucking blood. Please do not get me wrong, it is fair to learn from those who know and have more than us, but I seem to lean on them in a codependent way in order to supplement my weaknesses, which eventually pushes them away and the friendship ends. God is bringing this to my attention because whenever I do that, I have made that person an idol. God is a jealous God and it is very easy to begin to worship people instead of The Lord. "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.... (2 Corinthians 12:9) God's strength is what we need to make up for our weaknesses, not another person I could potentially drain and end up sabotaging the relationship. In this, The Lord requires for me and anyone who struggles in this area to stand on our own two feet, allowing Him to be our EVERYTHING! What does that mean? It means our God is all knowing, all powerful, and is everywhere at once. It means all we need is in Him. It means we are satisfied, filled with joy and at peace with Him and ourselves no matter what comes or goes because we understand His love for us and we trust Him at His word. Honestly, this requires lots of patience, practice and faith! That in itself can be challenging because we cannot physically see God or feel Him (with the exception of nature)...which takes us back to our faith. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen"....(Hebrews 11:1) so we MUST believe He is and what He says He is according to the word of God. Once we make up our minds to truly TRUST God with our weaknesses, we will no longer depend on people to make our lives okay. We will believe we have all that we need because we are in God and God is in us. And the people who come into our lives will be a blessing to us and we will be a blessing to them because there is no codependency, pressure or obligation. Everyone is free to be themselves, which in my opinion is how God would have it.

The Avalanche

It's funny how one bad feeling can trigger an avalanche of emotions. Have you ever been there? It happened to me today. I had a thought that created anger in me. One of my clients I thought I had built a rapport with asked me to do a project and they have yet to pay me even though the project has been completed. I trusted someone who obviously lacked integrity. I questioned my decision-making processes. Why did I trust someone instead of making sure I was covered? I know that "the enemy comes to steal, kill and to destroy". My time was stolen, but in my heart I believe God protects us. I should have used wisdom and requested 50% payment upfront and the balance at completion prior to sending the project to my Client. Another person I considered a friend has shifted their actions towards me without notice or explanation. So here I am having to face my emotions when I really want to be left alone. I don't want to deal with anything EXTRA today. I just want to enjoy this nice Georgia weather and let my life flow like a river! How will I handle it? Well, I sent the invoice requiring payment, we talked since then, promises were made but no follow through. My flesh wanted to pick up the phone again and make demands, but The Lord reminds us that He fights our battles. Those who fight against me, God will fight against them. The "friend" I hoped for has not been accessible which is disappointing because I really value this friendship. When you want something you want it! Even when it's unrealistic, we want what we want. I have to learn to truly trust God when things do not go my way. There are some things that I am like "Okay Lord, You got this!" Then there are other things that I would like to handle myself because somehow in my mind I believe I have the answers. As I am typing this, what is coming to mind is "at the root of anger is fear". What was I afraid of? With my Client I felt as if I was being taken advantage of. With my "friend" I questioned why I am not good enough to pursue a friendship with? It's been difficult to except God wants me to Himself this season. Some days I am like, "Let's roll Jesus!" Other days, I am trying to drag someone along with me. After it's all said and done, I realize it's a spiritual attack. "We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers..." I know it was an attack. I felt afraid and in the fear, I became angry because I felt a sense of hopelessness. Hopelessness is not of God. When I feel hopeless it's because something is not going my way and it appears that I have no control over it. I felt myself moving into "demand mode". Making statements like "I need this to happen or else this will happen!" Who am I to question or doubt God? It snowballed...by the next moment I realized an avalanche had taken place. I had rounded up all of my guests for the "pity party" and I could literally see the devil watching me snarling and laughing. I knew I had to recover and it had to be quickly. So, I began to count my blessings and be grateful. An ungrateful heart will always have doubts and fear. The Bible says, "If God be for us, who can be against us?" I have trust God in this season...even in the midst of the avalanche.

What I Desire

There is a passage in the Bible that says "Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart". Spending time with God is not a chore for me. It is a delight to enter into His presence because He is so loving, so kind and so faithful. If I were honest, I have not always been in this position or felt this way. There were days where I knew I needed to pray but dreaded it for one reason or another. Now I realize, as a soldier of the Most High, I need to spend time with God whenever He calls me...even if it's 2 am. I believe that as we spend quality time with God, His desires will become our desires. Our agendas will line up with His will. I started writing today's blog because I wanted to formalize my list of what I desire in a mate. But as I am typing this, I feel the Holy Spirit nudging me to truly think about what I desire for my life. It's not always about another person, but it is about being and becoming the right person. For my life, I desire to be a woman of God who loves the Lord and represents Him well privately and publicly. I desire to be a woman of excellence, grace, honesty and truth....A Proverbs 31 kind of woman. I desire to become a successful entrepreneur with partners who are willing to work with me and go the full mile in covenant relationship. I desire the anointing of God to flow from my life and pour on to others lives in such a way that creates miracles, healing and deliverance. I desire to sing praises to God, write books, create art of various kinds that will inspire others to be the best they can be. I desire to be fit inside and out and in every area of my life (mentally, physically, financially, emotionally). I desire to love God with everything I have and with all that I do. I desire to be the BEST mom EVER!!! to my little Princesses. I desire to live a fulfilling life where I take risks and speak up when it's time. I desire a close circle of friends I trust, love and care for. I desire to be RICH, spiritually and financially. Now that I have written my list, I feel more suited to write about a mate...That will be What I Desire Pt. 2.

My Spring Cleaning is Done!

My spring cleaning is done. I'm not just talking about my closets and my drawers, but I'm talking about the mental compartments of my mind and the matters of my heart. I have gone through everything and assessed what's there. I know what I need to keep. I know what I need to donate to the Goodwill that someone else can use. I know what goes in the trash. In the midst of separating everything it looks a mess still. I have piles everywhere! But I realize in this mess I am making progress. I see now that I have more than I thought, even in the organization process, I know the value and appreciate what I have. I will use it all to the best of my ability, making sure nothing goes to waste.

Walking us Through our Weaknesses

My daughter Karli was born with complications. Glory to God, she continues to grow despite her weaknesses. Many of the complications have impacted her balance and coordination-- however, I praise The Lord for wholeness in every area of her life. We recently moved into an apartment that requires us to go up one flight of stairs. Today going down the stairs she almost fell forward because she was looking up admiring the stars. Gratefully, I was holding her hand and caught her before she actually tumbled down the flight and really hurt herself. As I am typing this I have no clue how to interpret what happened. But the good part is God will catch us when we are off distracted by things that are not sinful, but the timing of our focus can cause great harm to our destiny and purpose. During those times God will intervene, protect us, and redirect us to save us from ourselves and make sure we are on track with His plan. Going up and down this flight of stairs has been a challenge for Karli. At times I wonder if I should have selected a first level space, but I realize her going up and down is building her balance and coordination. The very area of weakness is being challenged day in and day out and she is learning to master the stairs. She is learning to build her confidence and I am right there with her, making sure I give her the support she needs. God is walking us through our challenges as well. The areas of weakness are being confronted so that we can be mature in Christ. Through it all, He is building our character and spiritual muscles. He is perfecting us in our weakness and His grace is sufficient because He will always give us the support we need. I am so grateful to God for His willingness to walk us through.

Seeking the Kingdom

It's interesting that we can allow the pressures of life to keep us from the presence of God and then we wonder why we may be felling oppressed and depressed. In His presence is fullness of joy and at His right hand are pleasures forevermore! (Psalm 16:11) God loves us so much and wants to fellowship with us. Our communing time with God creates intimacy...a face to face relationship He has always wanted with His children. Whenever we pray He has a way of restoring all that has been lost. He has a way of making up for the tears that were shed. His ways are perfect. (Psalm 18:30) Seeking God's Kingdom should be priority. If the Lord wakes us up at 5 am, we should get up and meet Him for the revelation, inspiration and motivation. He wants to bless us more than we know...We are the apple of His eye. (Psalm 17:8) The REVELATION could be answers to questions you have been desiring to hear. The INSPIRATION could be how to go about starting the business you have always wanted. The MOTIVATION could be how to finish a project you started but did not complete. When we begin our day with God, the day flows better. We get precious gems and jewels from the Throne Room of God. No matter what comes against us we feel that we are able to withstand it. Greater is He that is within us than He that is in the world. (1 John 4:4) In theses last days, God must stay on the forefront of our minds. He must be our daily food. Sure we need natural food to survive, but we also need spiritual food to survive spiritually. If we neglect such a great salvation (Hebrews 2:3), we cannot expect to grow properly. Jesus said He is the bread of heaven (John 6:51)...He also said if we drink of the water He gives we shall never thirst again (John 4:14). I am realizing now, more than ever, man will fail us. If we look to man to be our security and source, we will be disappointed time after time. We must trust God enough to seek the Kingdom first and everything we need shall be added to us...(Matthew 6:33).

Flying Beneath the Radar

Men and women of God need to fly beneath the radar sometimes. Taking a Sabbath day to rest up and catch your breath is God's desire because we need to recharge our batteries. Other times we may need to get the Word from God because He is speaking. In getting that Word it may mean going away for a couple of days.

People Pleasing

When you give up trying to please people you realize that you will never be good enough, smart enough, bright enough, tall enough...because people cannot be satisfied. Something will always need changing and one day you will look up and notice that you no longer recognize yourself. I have been there. In marriage, I stopped being myself and started doing and being everything my family needed and wanted me to be. I believe we should allow for compromise within reason, but changing yourself to meet the needs of others can leave you feeling empty and depressed. I believe God wants us to mature and grow up in Him, but people want you to change based on their needs and those needs hardly ever line up with God's plan. I decided that I want to please God. In that, I believe the people who are apart of God's will for my life will be blessed by those changes.

When You are Sensitive

When you are sensitive you can create a world that only exist in your space. Someone may say something or do something that hurts deeply, but did not see their actions as something to hurt. I was born sensitive, but as I became older I prayed about it and asked God why I was so sensitive? What I received is that my sensitivity is for the spirit realm. My sensitivity is to understand the moves of God. It is for discernment of the atmosphere. The key is when you are sensitive to spirits, you must keep your armor on as a weapon against the enemy otherwise you will be under constant attack without defense.

God's Time

The Lord has been speaking to my heart about His time. Do you know that one word from God can change your life? One word from God can make you a millionaire...God's suddenly's are amazing. As we spend time in God's presence His time and our time will collide because He is pouring out revelation faster than we can keep up. There is an open heaven; God is pouring down His revelation, wisdom, and provision.

Witches and Warlocks

God told me He was removing all witches and warlocks from the pulpit. Please do not think tall hats, brooms, and capes. It's so much bigger than that. This is a spirit of rebellion and lying spirits. The failure in ministry is when we have weakness and we do not yield to God to handle. I never want to sound like I am judging because we are in this spiritual battle together. The problem is when we live double lives. Ministering to people while living in sin is a dangerous situation that God is going to expose. Amen.

I Want That Daddy!

At dance class, a little girl came in with her dad and saw another child coloring. He had a boatload of crayons in a really nice container. When she saw the crayons piled high she began to scream over and over, "I want that daddy!" She was normally the quiet one to herself, but when she saw something she wanted she became aggressive, pushy, and loud. The other child practically ignored her because they were his crayons. But she insisted, only to have her dad escort her out. I have seen many women and men meet someone they feel is perfect for them. This person of interest looks and has all of the qualities they have ever dreamed of -- only to find out after pursuing them, this person is not for you. I remember when I first moved to Atlanta. I was determined to become a successful real estate agent. I knew what Broker I wanted to work with. I met other agents. I enrolled in the courses. I spent the time studying, but when it came time to pass the test, I would miss it by a point or two. I took the test 3 times and each time I did not pass. I knew I had studied hard, prayed and did everything I knew to do which was so very frustrating. God had blessed me as an investor, so I thought for sure it was the business to go in to. After a while, I accepted that it wasn't God's will for me to become an agent. I know I would have ended up chasing money instead of chasing God. Just like the little girl, sometimes we demand our way and God being the loving Father He is will work with us because He cares so much. Only to realize it is not a part of His plan. Sometimes God will not allow us to have what we want because we will turn and start worshiping the thing instead of worshiping God. We have to make sure we understand the will of God. We just cannot want things because they are shiny and could be a great way to become rich. Not saying being rich is a bad thing...it's when it becomes our god. A friend of mine said, "Everything that is shiny ain't God!" Yet, I am still learning to be discerning and hold my plans loosely. God knows what is best and I do not want to struggle with God trying to get my way because of something that "seems" to be a "good" thing. Father in the name of Jesus the Christ, help us not to go after the "good" thing, but please confirm Your will so that we will continue to go after the God thing. In Jesus name, the Christ--Amen.

Intimacy

When me and my ex stopped praying together I knew we were in trouble. If you are reading this and you are married and not praying with your spouse, let's just say it's not good. If you are planning to get married, please start praying now. I thought I could stand in the gap and intercede for our family hoping it would turn the situation around. The truth of the matter is a wife needs a covering. Sure God covers us as His children, but when a couple marries in Christ there are roles to fulfill. The husband is commanded to love his wife as Christ loves the Church and be willing to die for her. The wife is commanded to reference and respect her husband. But if the husband is not leading and daily covering his family in prayer the wife will assume the position and get beat up in every way. If there are children involved, they will suffer too. As the wife assumes the husband's role she will not only experience sever pain, but it is very tiring to carry the weight. I have been there and it hurts deeply when a Christian husband decides not to be the priest of his home. Through the process of being married and now divorced, I understand that the foundation of intimacy is created through prayer. Date nights are fun, making love is great, but once a Christian couple stops praying together "true" intimacy is lost. Praying separately is always a plus, but when you pray together as a couple, speaking the word of God over one another, it creates a united front in the spirit realm. This closeness will keep you in harmony and at peace with one another. You will find even in disagreements, the Holy Spirit will urge someone or both of you to either apologize or simply yield to the other. I believe couples should pray together every day no matter what they're going through. It may sound extreme but there is a real battle going on to divide households. There is a scripture in the Book of Ephesians 4 that says, "Do not let the sun go down on your anger". In other words before you go to bed with your spouse always kiss and makeup. Let your mate know you love them and want to allow God to be the final authority on the situation. Pray over it together. We have to make sure the air is clear before we close our eyes.

Sexual Sin

I have been watching this show 19 Kids and Counting. They are a Christian family but what is interesting is the young adults who are at dating age cannot go out on a date without a chaperon-- to avoid inappropriate touching and premarital sex. Honestly, I could not believe my eyes. This was unheard of in my day and even now but it protects them emotionally and spiritually, which is a great thing! Sexual sin is one of the biggest strongholds in the Body of Christ yet we refuse to talk about it.... Many Believers are hitting the strip clubs on the low, viewing live nude webcam, masturbating, having sex outside of marriage, and in same sex relationships etc. This is not to judge anyone, it is to clarify the will of the Lord. The Bible says, "Be ye holy for I am holy!" 1 Peter 1:16. Being holy means we are dedicated and consecrated to God. If we love God we will keep His commandments and do what He asks of us which is to abstain from sexual relations until marriage. I am not putting this out there to point the finger, it is to encourage all of us, single and married alike. The struggle is real and there is a real battle for our souls. Sex is one of the BIGGEST strongholds and has many Christians in bondage because they feel like they cannot stop having sex! We all know sex is a great thing! It was designed by God for two people who love each other to enjoy in the context of marriage. Once we decide to do our own thing...we invite the consequences of sin into our lives, which is death in one form or another. I have struggled in this area on and off since I was a child of abuse and even after becoming a Christian. It hurts deeply when you desire to be intimate with someone you love and it's not time. I have cried because of loneliness and the desire in my flesh to be held and wanting to take matters into my own hands and resisted those feelings. It's not easy. I know first hand,but with God all things are possible. The other side is I believe we are created with an innate desire for companionship, but it has to be in God's will if we are believers and followers of Christ. My former Pastor said, "Sinners sin! Why are we surprised at what they are doing?" But, if you are a born again Christian who is having sex and unmarried... it's sin, period. If you are self pleasing with toys and such, watching porn to assist...repent, go to God in humility and ask Him to cleanse your mind, spirit and help you to abstain from sex. Wait on the mate He has for you. He will make a way of escape but we have to yield our members to Him and He will help us.

No More to Give

I am one of those people who will use shower gel until it is completely gone from the bottle. I will hit it against my sponge or towel. I will stand it upside down to make sure everything has run down to the opening. Once it's gone, I may even run a little bit of water into the container, swish it around and then pour it on to the towel to bathe. When I hit the shower gel bottle on to the towel today, I repeated the motion over and over trying to get every drop. The Holy Spirit said, "Sometimes, we try to pull something from a relationship that has run dry". We talk and talk...think and think about how to do things differently, when it's time to lay this relationship down and move on. The person has nothing more to give you and you have nothing left for the person. Facing that reality is hard for most people. You have been together several years, somewhat comfortable, but not productive. There is no challenge, excitement or purpose...but God wants us moving forward. If the relationship no longer works and you have tried everything to make it work, it's time to move on. Just like it was time to buy another bottle of shower gel, change means taking action. Father in the name of Jesus, God, help us to know when to walk away from relationships that no longer have the capacity for us. Help us Father to not spend our wheels attempting to revive something that is dead and dry...Let us truly understand when it's time to move on Lord. Life is short and we want your best... In Jesus, name. Amen.

Over Estimating a Relationship

There was this guy I use to be so attracted to. He was a leader in church and had a great job. We were introduced by a mutual friend and had good times. We traveled together and attended holiday events. He was everything I wanted; professional, educated, real estate owner, leader in ministry and work. I was smitten by the idea of him…and he had style. Being with him was inspiring. God blessed me to be able to buy property and finish college because of what I learned from him. But at the time when we were together, I wasn’t ready. I was so jealous and insecure. To the point he could not have any friends without me knowing them and if he went some place without me, I felt completely left out. At the end of the day-- I realized, I wanted his world to be all about me and it wasn’t. He had friends before I came along and I was threatened by his closeness with other people. I remember on his birthday, we were in Catalina and he had done something that hurt my feelings. Over dinner, I brought up the situation and he asked me if we could discuss it another time because he did not want to ruin his birthday dinner. I agreed. After I thought about it, I did not even consider his birthday dinner being ruined. I just thought about how I felt and getting it out in the open. He called me to the carpet several times with regards to how I conducted myself. He was on point every time and I needed to be confronted. During the course of our relationship, I invited him to a dinner I had organized from my mom. I paid for everything and lavished her with gifts. The next day over breakfast, he asked me why I overcompensated in the relationship with my mom vs just having a regular relationship with her. I knew our relationship had suffered some, but had not realized that I was trying to buy her love. It was true. I was incapable of building a relationship. There was so many hurt feelings that I felt compelled to buy gifts instead of addressing the pain. I cried for hours. It was like a water balloon had been popped with a pin. I simply laid on his chest and cried myself to sleep. The truth hurts sometimes, but God wants us to know we can grow from it. I wanted this relationship to grow in to marriage, but it was only in place to teach me a few things. Towards the end, I had a dream of this same guy “pulling the rug” from under my feet and I lost my balance. God was showing me something…yes there was something to learn in the relationship, but when the season has ended and we stay involved, we can end up hurt. I overestimated the purpose and plan of our meeting. Just because someone of the opposite sex comes into our lives and may have many qualities we admire, we assume it is for a romantic relationship, when it’s to teach us a valuable lesson about life. Needless to say, he broke it off with me. It hurt like crazy, but I praise God for those “teachable moments” I carry along with me even today…thirteen years later.

Let Him Do It!

Late last year, the Lord started ministering to my heart. In November, He started in on my emotional baggage and said I could not carry any of it into the new year. I did not realize all that I was carrying and dealing with. It's almost like when I started wearing my natural hair. I truly did not know what to do with it. I was afraid of it. The same for my emotions. They were all over the place for different reasons and I did not want to deal with them. So, I did one of those "lay it on the altar" things. I took fear, anger, depression, anxiety, frustration, procrastination and a host of other things and laid it on the altar...I wiped my hands clean and went on. "I'm free!" I exclaimed. Not knowing my lovely Pastor would give the word for 2015...Confrontation and then Pursue or Perish, Recover and Restore.....God began confronting every area of my heart...The things that I never owned up to anyone. Like, why I had no respect for male authority and why I was codependent...I never wanted to fess up to needing to be validated by men. I never wanted to admit to the insecurities and over compensating in my relationships for approval. I never wanted to admit the fact that I was extremely stubborn, demanding and always wanted to be right. I did not want to deal with the thought that I had not forgiven myself for the babies I murdered through abortion...and now God was beginning to bring me over to the area of pain to face it and give it to Him, for real, for real. I was afraid and did not want to face the truth of who and what I had become. I had to face the reality that I was still dealing with anger on so many levels...and fear, which means love had not been perfected in my heart. Sure, God had done a work in me, but not to the point of wholeness. I made up my mind to yield to the process. I made a running list of my issues during our church's fast. I disconnected from Facebook and focused on what was going on behind the mask. I sat in my prayer closet and consulted with the Holy Spirit over each issue. I had to find the gate-- the seed of not having any respect for men. It started with my dad. I love him, but did not respect him because of the choices he made in life. This deep seeded animosity spilled over into my other relationships I was angry and had to face it. It was deep down in my soul and had to be pulled up from the root. Just imagine pulling up a 35 yr old tree by the root...it requires work. I had to forgive him truly and began to honor him in whatever way God led me....Not just him but all authority in my life, from my parents to my spiritual parents...showing honor is honorable. I faced one issue at a time and each one brought lots of tears and gut wrenching pain up and out of my heart...Since then, I have only been pursuing God because I want to be whole and hurt people, hurt people. I will write a part 2 to this....

Saying No to Compromise

I had a dream last night. I was riding in a limousine with Jamie Foxx and other celebs. We were riding through Hollywood Hills and Jamie was voicing his concern about another celeb's home being bigger than his. I encouraged him that his house was enough, be happy. As he shared with me, he started to give me goo-goo eyes, and looking at my lips as if he wanted to kiss me. When I looked at his lips, they were nice and supple. I felt it, and I wanted to kiss him, but I knew him and I were not in a relationship and kissing him would open a can of worms that I did not want opened. My gut wanted to please Jaime and please myself, but instead, I gave him a nice appropriate hug and it turned out fine. It is easy to begin to compromise our values when we are around people who are rich. Jesus met up with different people yet he never compromised who He was. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:21 "For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ." God can truly use us when we maintain who and what he has called us to be in every environment we may go in to. I was tempted to try and fit in but I knew it would only be a temporary situation. Compromise is great when two people are moving in the same direction with understanding.

What Divorce Taught Me

This is the time when I should be the most transparent, but some parts of me just does not want to let go. Does that mean it's not time for me to share? Probably not...it's just me wanting to stay in my comfort zone. Welp here goes...I was with my ex for 11 years total, 9 years married. Honestly, the decline started happening 3 months after we married. We had a great courtship and fell off track. Looking back, I can say truthfully say we failed because we failed to plan. We had no idea what the other person wanted out of life. We had no purpose for being married. We only knew we loved one another, deeply and passionately. Somehow in the shuffle, we managed to have 2 lovely daughters, file for bankruptcy,loss a car, house, his dad passed, we moved 5 times and one of our daughters had 9 surgeries and she is 6 years old. All of this during the course of our 9 year marriage. We both changed, not the for best either. In 2013, things began to get really hard and messy. I felt him pull away more...He no longer liked me...and I felt like I was constantly in a spiritual battle in my own house. I was miserable. I cried all the time. I was depressed, lonely even though married, over weight, and could not find my way out...I felt trapped like a caged animal...circling the cage. Divorce taught me I had failed myself. I allowed a bad marriage to govern my life. I no longer loved me. I was being controlled by "it". I stopped doing the very things that made me smile. I hid behind makeup, clothes, shoes and the biggest one RELIGION. I had a heart for God, but there was no move of God in my life because I was bound by problems, confusion and spiritual warfare. After he moved out...we were separated for 3 months. We both were able to catch our breath. Shortly after, we were back living under the same roof again. Somehow through the pain, God started healing my heart. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment on top of each other. There was no where to run or hide. I attempted a few times to reason with him about maintaining our marriage, but he refused. There was no intimacy, just rejection. It hurt so bad-- on some days I did not know if I was coming or going. I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry...day after day. I felt like I was being punished, but God was truly teaching me how to live even in a hostile situation. God began to heal me. He gave me revelation, confirmation and love time after time. He placed prophets in my life to walk with me and give me an encouraging word. He carried me all the way through. Now, I am working on loving myself and being the me God has created me to be.

Common Sense

This just hit me today. Common sense does not apply when you are walking by faith. Think about it. Peter stepped outside of the boat in the book of Matthew and walked on the water towards Jesus. His common sense said there is wind and waves coming against me and I am afraid...but his faith said to walk towards Jesus. Let's look at Moses. In the Book of Exodus, we learn that Moses had a stuttering problem. Common sense could have said to focus on the problem of not speaking well, but faith said speak and lead the people. There is one more example I want to mention. The walls of Jericho. After the army had marched around seven days, the walls came tumbling down. Common sense would say, one day is enough...faith says let's push it out until we reach the seven days as God commanded. Sometimes faith does not make sense in our minds, but if God said it that settles it. Our common sense reasons God out. We cannot begin to understand why God does what He does. The Bible says in Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. This is a powerful statement because it let's us know how big our God is and how small we are in comparison to Him. This is for somebody reading this today. You are wondering how God is going to work this situation out? You are wondering how the pieces will eventually fit together? Common sense says it will never work. But faith says all things are possible to those who believe. Don't worry about the details. Seek the Lord. Ask Him to order your steps and I believe He will.

Getting the Stains out...

So funny....A pair of my favorite pants ended up with olive oil stains on them. I was so frustrated because I adored these pants. I washed them...and after looking them over, the stains were still there. But, I liked these pants so much I wore them with the stains. As I walked, I noticed this guy look right down to my stains...I kept walking, and thinking, "So, what! And yes there are two of them!" After that, I decided to treat the stains before washing them. I threw them in the laundry and once I pulled them out and looked them over, the stains were gone! Hallelujah. Life is like that sometimes. An unexpected thing happens in our lives that can leave stains in our hearts. People can see we are hurting and we go along as if all is well, but it's not and others are noticing. At some point we have to confront the situation. If we apply our faith, prayer and the word of God like I treated that stain, we will become free, clean and whole. Father in the name of Jesus the Christ, we thank you for being so awesome in our lives. Lord we our grateful that we can approach Your throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16). We want the stains in our hearts removed. You know all that we have been through and the burdens we are carrying...we give them to you now, in the name of Jesus the Christ. Thank you God for everything! Amen.

Bruised on the Outside

Today, I saw a banana in our fruit rack and it was black in some spots and bruised on the outside. I thought to myself, "It's probably bruised on the inside. I need to eat this one before it goes bad!" I quickly peeled it only to find out, it was perfect on the inside. No bruising, no discoloration. It was whole. The Holy Spirit began to deal with me and said, "Yes you have been beat up on the outside, and yes you have been bruised, but you are still all together on the inside!" I began to praise God because like most of us, my life has been full of challenges and bad decisions....more than I am willing to admit to anyone. God said, I am still all together....that ministered to my heart

because some people don't recover from traumatic trials. But I did and you did! The God we serve is a deliverer and a way maker. I love Him. Father, I thank you for making a way out of no way. I thank you for delivering me from every trial, every heart break and every demonic attack. I love you Lord and praise You for who You are and for ALL that you do. In Jesus name, the Christ. Amen.

Dumping our Trash

Since my divorce, I moved into an apartment. I now drive the trash to the dumpster within the complex. One day in particular, I packed the trash in the back of the van, as I was running late and considered running my errand with the trash, hoping it would not smell. As I thought about driving pass the dumpster, the Holy Spirit urged me not to drive around with trash in my car. Then I began to think about how we drive around with trash in our spirits and it could eventually smell, when God wants us to dump our trash. Trash is defined as worthless or discarded material or objects; often abusive speech about a person or group. I knew God was going to lay me out with this one because I had to admit to the trash in my life, which is very uncomfortable and painful. I was still struggling with fear. I was wrestling with anger. I was walking in unbelief, wondering how God would do this or do that? You can tell when there is trash in your life by the self talk that comes up. Trash normally comes after something or someone has been used and discarded. How do we get rid of our trash? We submit and humble ourselves before The Lord. The Bible says, "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up". (James 4:7-10 NIV) In order to get rid of the trash in our lives and negative voices in our heads, we allow ourselves to sit with God in His presence and talk to Him from our hearts. Even if it sounds ridiculous or embarrassing, He loves us anyway. In humility, we share where we are missing it and where we are struggling. I had to confess to God I was STILL struggling with fear, anger, and unbelief. I prayed and asked for His help. I cried because I thought I should have it figured out by now. But prayer is awesome because we have an opportunity to commune with God. Reading the word of God, meditating in it, and giving it back to Him in prayer is key to our break through. The Bible says, "So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it". (Isaiah 55:11) Father in the name of Jesus the Christ, Lord we thank you for being so kind, forgiving, and loving. Help us to submit ourselves to You so that we can truly dump the trash out of our hearts and spirits. There are areas of our lives that need to be dumped into the dumpster and we praise You for walking us through the process. Amen.